"DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER"

This is so funny...and so true!


December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment .My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time
I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest
of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn
snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says
I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?